Critique this piece of writing?

Jefferson Sarson: Sorry, you lost me after the 65 questions that you asked in the first ten lines because I threw up profusely after reading them.Where did you learn to ask all of those questions?Who taught you? What were they thinking? Why did they decide to teach you such foolishness? What was their favorite ethnic cuisine? Chinese? Italian? Did this influence their choice to teach you to ask all of these questions? Do you like Pepsi or Coke? If a tree falls in a forest, is it a result of ethnic cuisine? Apples or Oranges? Are remakes worse than originals? Poo-tee-weet?...Show more

Ulrike Hert: You need to cut back on all the questions. It doesn't sound good, especially since its in third person. Instead you could say "William questioned his fate, and was definatley unsure of his destiny." Or something like that. Good luck! =]

Daren Ventrice: It didn't flow well. The mechanics of your writing is choppy. I tried to put myself in the scene and imagin! e what William was feeling hanging on to whatever it was on the building he was hanging on, and nothing materialized for me. Your description did not allow for me to imagine the scene. I also couldn't capture the emotion of the character, so it was hard to empathize. It's great you were able to write this. You just need some one to edit it to help you clean it up a bit. I would definitely read it when you are done. Good Job and keep writing....Show more

Donnell Mollo: I quite enjoyed it. I didn't find it 'choppy', but rather distinct in voice.Your writing style is captivating. Stick with it.

Bianca Lannier: Um i did finish it and i didn't like it much. All the questions really turned me off, a few are good a lot not so much